Много смешных анекдотов
картинок, карикатур

Смешные анекдоты на Английском языке.

  One  wet  day  a  woman with a dog got on a bus. It was a
very big dog and it's feet were very dirty.  The  wooman  said:
"Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog can he have a seat like the
other  passengers?" The conductor looked at the dog and then he
said: "Certainly, madam, he can have a seat like all the  other
passengers,  but  like  the other passengers he mustn't put his
feet on it."

 A charwoman in a City office was very proud of her  skill
at  polishing floors. "When I started working there,"- she told
a friend "the floors were in terrible state. But now it's quite
different since I've been polishing them", she  added  proudly.
"Three men working there have fallen down. One of them is still
in the hospital with a broken leg."

   Charlie  Chaplin  Competitions often used to be organised
in the USA. The best imitator of the great actor was awarded  a
special  prise. One  such  competition  was  secretly  attended
Charlie. Chaplin himself, who took  part  in  the  competition.
Great  was his surprise when the committee only awarded him the
third prise.

On a fine summer day a farmer, passing by a large tree on
his way home to dinner, saw one of his sons lying and  sleeping
in the shade. The farmer woke him up and said angrily: "How can
you  sleep  here,  when  all  your  brothers are working in the
garden? You don't deserve to enjoy the sunlight." "Yes, Father,
you are right, that is why I am lying in the shade."

 George  the  First  of  England  while  on journey to his
native kindom stopped at a  village  in  Holland.  While  fresh
horses  were  being  got  ready  for him, the king asked 2 or 3
eggs. They were brought him and the price asked was  a  hundred
florins.  "How  is "this?"- asked the king, - "Eggs must surely
be very rare here." "Pardon me,"- replied the host, - "eggs are
plentiful enough, but kings are rare here."

 A boy bought a twopenny loaf at the  baker's.  It  struck
him  that  it  was  much smaller, than usual, so he said to the
baker: "I don't believe the loaf is  the  right  weight."  "Oh,
nevert  mind,"-  answered  the  baker. "You'll have the less to
carry." "Quite right,"- said the boy and put 3 halfpence on the
counter. Just as he was leaving the shop the baker  called  out
to  him:  "I  say, Tommy! You haven't given me the price of the
loaf!" "Oh, never mind,"- said the boy, "You'll have  the  less
to count."

Little  Tommy  went  to  the  movies.  He  saw a tribe of
Indians painting their faces and asked his mother why they were
doing so. His mother explained:  "Indians  always  paint  their
faces before going to the warpath. "The next evening the mother
sat  in  the  dining-room  and  entertained her elder daugter's
young man. Suddenly Tommy rushed into the room with wide  eyes.
"Mommy,"-  he  cried,- "let's run away quickly: sister is going
along the warpath."

A seaman on a  ship  based  somewhere  far  away  in  the
Pacific  recieved  a  photo  from his fiancee. It represented a
scene on the beach:  two  couples  were  sitting  and  laughing
gaily,  but  his  girl was sitting alone sad and lonely. In the
letter she wrote that the photo showed how she was spending her
time while he was away. The seaman was in  delight  and  showed
the  photo  to his friends. Then one night after looking at the
photo for a long time he asked his  friend:  "Listen,  John,  I
wonder, who took the picture?"

 A  young man decided to study at military school. Several
days after his medical examintion he recieved a wire  from  the
school:  "Regret  to  inform  you, but the test showed that you
have TB and heart trouble. "An hour later he  recieved  another
wire, saying: "Please, disregard the first wire. Your documents
were  confused  with  that of another applicant. "The young man
wired back: "Sorry, but your wire came too  late.  I  committed
suicide 40 minutes ago."

 A  foreign  tourist in the U.S.A.  remarked:  "I see that
you, Americans, have great interest in space flights."
      "Why do you think so?"- asked his guide.
      "I see so many people in the street are  looking  at  the
sky with telescopes."
      "Telescopes?"-  the  guide asked in astonishment, - "They
are drinking beer from bottles."

The plane is ready to start. The passengers are going up.
"Stop!"-  shouts  the  mechanic,- "A gas tank is leaking. We'll
have to fix it before taking off and  it  will  take  about  an
hour."  "An hour's delay!"- commented a soldier. "But then I'll
be late for my ship with my unit  going  overseras!  "When  the
pilot  heard  this,  he  came  to  the  soldier: "Listen", - he
whispered, looking into his eyes,- "are you the one who drilled
the hole in the gas tank?"


A  small boy and his  mother  are  looking  through   the
family  album. A boy takes one of the photographs, representing
a nice looking young man in a smart soldier  uniform. He  asks:
"Mother,  who  is  this  smart  soldier?"  "That  is  Daddy", -
answered his mother. The boy kept thinking for  a  moment,  and
then  said:  "Well,  then  who is that fat bald-headed civilian
which is leaving with us now?"

 An  operator  is  working with a computer. He gave a very
complicated task to computer. Then after a very long  time  the
computer  gave  an answer: "Yes". Annoyed at the lack of detail
the operator asked: "Yes what?"  "Yes,  sir",  -  answered  the

A  man  was  taken  to  a hospital after an accident. The
doctor examined him and said, that he could go  home  the  next
day.  However,  in  the morning, the doctor announced: "I think
you'd better stay another day to see if something new turns up.
I didn't know how bad you were banged up until I read about the
accident in the newspapers.

Once a famous Hollywood actress wrote to a famous wit and
dramatist that it was a pity they were not the parents   of   a
child.  What  a  child  it would have been: with her beauty and
with  his  brains.  Bernard  Shaw,  who  was  this   dramatist,
answered,  that  supposing the child would have been so unlucky
to have his appearancee and her brains.

The young man approached the counter at which  post-cards
were being sold and asked: "Have you anything sentimental?"
      - "Here is a lovely one",- answered the shop-girl:  "look
here - "to the only girl I ever loved"
      - "That's fine, I'll take six of those, please".

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Анекдот дня:

# Десантники-резервисты прыгают на переподготовке.
- Прыгаете. Дергаете за кольцо. Раскрывается купол.
Приземляетесь. Внизу вас ждет автобус. Садитесь и едете по

Картинка дня

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